Finger prints on my heart

It’s been a funny old time recently….The Rollercoaster has somewhat calmed down…the major drops have lowered their height…appointments have lessened and I guess we are adapting to cancer again.

I never thought I’d heel click out of an oncology appointment after being told my cancer is on my sternum….but it’s not changed…celebrating still having cancer but knowing it’s stayed put was good news to our ears.

I’ve made the decision to come off my steroids…I was put on them to help with my dwindling energy levels that I’ve been struggling with for a year now….to the outside world I was functioning busy busy but when I got home and at weekends I was sleeping so much…like crazy amounts.

After a few months of taking them although they give me energy I don’t sleep at night on them, eating loads and Id feel fuzzy headed and unconnected with the world which I hate….I’ve also probably put on about two stone through the constant thoughts of food and physical eating I’ve done!!

My neighbour likened it to a toddler, picking a snooze time and only having half an hour but making sure it’s not to near bed time! Also having good sleep hygiene…going to bed at a reasonable time and waking up the same time each morning….so I’m going to try this…if it fails then a fuzzy headed blob I shall be…but I’ll be awake!!!

I didn’t sleep to well last night and we had our Art hospice session again today… I don’t think I could have looked my best as they asked if I’d had a bad night…ohhh Deary…

So I dreamt Rob no longer loved me and at that he had feelings for a friend of mine…

I woke up so upset… as I tried to pull apart how my brain had made such a dream.

Rob gave me a massive hug and reassured me he did love me and it was just a dream, I asked him to tell me something nice and he reminisced about our wedding day while cuddling me….

The dream stuck with me all day and I’ve been left feeling heavy from it.

At the hospice we continued our finger print art…. very unlike me I reached for the Thick black felt tip pen and block coloured my prints and filled it in with a dark pink|purple colour….it felt angry the picture….

my next print I zig zagged Red heart monitor lines finishing with a straight one….Dead…

I really don’t know what got into me this morning… I felt very deep anger and felt tearful…I’ve not been over tearful this time round but this dream has pulled inner emotions out of me.

We stayed for lunch and I focused my thoughts on Stanley…he seems to be my go to calming thought at the moment…my reason.

I wrote out my favourite book to read to him since he was little… A squash and a Squeeze… I love this book because I think it’s got an adult story hidden In it….basically telling us to appreciate what we have!!

I’m still struggling to shrug this nightmare….any one who knows Rob knows my dream is so far from reality and that’s not what’s troubling me… I think it’s my fear of dying and loosing him and although knowing in my heart I want him to be happy again… I kind of want to know who that will be with….

I’m trying to see all these emotions as positives as in my body and brain is processing to be able to move on, then I’ll be able to focus more on the here and now.