When we are up we are up but when we are down we are down!

It’s been a while since I last Blogged…I’d like to say it’s because everything has been feeling good but actually I think it’s the opposite…I’ve internalised ALOT of emotions again and today they have literally poured out while I was at the hospice…probably the best place for it to have happened but I have to say it shocked me!!.

Finishing work for summer and heading straight away for a few special days with my boys was truly amazing but unfortunately the long days were a struggle and my pain hit an all time high.

I’m lucky in that my Dr had requested to see me so I’ve been able to have a long chat with her and just what I should be doing really and how i really do need to start to prioritise my life a little better than I have been….these talks are good in getting to remind myself that although I’ve caught the sun and look healthy, inside I’m not and I’m not going to get better.

She’s given me lots of food for thoughts and I think this is why I’ve had a little more emotion inside of me as I have BIG decisions to make.

Family wise has been hard as well….I thought after 6 months of having this news that it’d be getting easier by now it’s not.

It’s no secret that Rob has developed Alopecia, the Drs told us it’s more than likely to return and no surprise he’s got it but the emotion on top of what he’s already experiencing is very high…he’s fond of his hair…it also fills me with such guilt I’m putting him through this for a third time in 5 years.

Stan has been showing understanding that I’m not going to be around forever as he’s not been settling at night, we try not to get frustrated with him as we know just like us we are sure his head is a wobble of thoughts.

He’s also incredibly creative late at night so it’s also hard to stop him when he comes down stairs for the 10th time to show us a Lego model he’s made, or a drawing of us all or an Army story he’s written which then leads into conversation about dying…clever things children are!!

So the household is balancing all these emotions amongst attempting to try keep normal….

Sometimes I’m in complete disbelief we are going through this as a family, I look at others and think how do they constantly land on their feet and we keep being thrown this.

It feels like it’s been going on for ages…years…five and a half in fact, in typing this my head is saying I should feel lucky I’ve had this time when many don’t but it’s so so hard sometimes….I’m so frightened of what’s to come, the more pain I may experience and the true heart ache that it’s causing around me…

It’s a massive ball of hurt I carry around most days that at times makes me feel physically sick with worry.

I want to keep normal, I smile through the days and relieved when I close my eyes that I’ve made another day safely…..but I’m truly exhausted from the emotions it’s taking from me.