Did you know the word Ok is in BrOKen….

I’ve not typed much recently….last night I read a little saying a fellow cancer friend put and I suddenly related it to exactly where I am at the moment.. I’m just piecing bits of me back together…..except my pieces don’t slot quite back how they were so I’m adjusting!

It’s odd, back in February I was told my cancer was on my sternum and I took some time, had some palliative radiotherapy then got back up and got on…summer came and went….we hibernated it was lovely then we had to rejoin the world along side my next lot of check ups and scans where I was told my cancer was changing a bit meaning it was active again…I took the news and ran with it for a week and then it hit me……like mega hit me….

This is what my life is going to be like….I’m going to have these appointments where I’m told the disease has progressed, I’ll have to wait for decisions on treatments to be made and get through each emotion that it brings along side watching those I love so dearly put on brace faces but knowing they are crumbling beside me.

Taking all this in has never been easy….my counsellor says she thinks it’s amazing I’ve got so far along for the finality of cancer to only hit me properly now…

I ask if I’ve got 20 years I ask if they will find a cure in my time… I’m told I’m searching for someone to say yes but sadly this isn’t going to happen…this is REAL for me.

I take time out….try to pull out why I’m lucky….I’m lucky my pain is still manageable with drugs….I’m lucky I have treatments I don’t currently need to finance and plenty a head of me…I’m lucky I’ve years not months not days….

But like always I’m greedy and want more….

I asked rob how many years he thinks they mean when they say a few….he replied with 3 years…I told him I felt they meant 10…. he said that it’d be flipping amazing if I had 10…..the car fell silent as we thought about what point 10 years became amazing….

Then I asked my care team….do you think I’ve got 10 years….her lips tighten and her head shakes…. followed by the sentence…this is very real for you and is happening.

Shit….fuck….how….why….. my head is left thinking of all I’ve got to do, what I want to do but my brain hits a depressive state and body fails to move me into action…..

I’m heavy with emotions of sadness but pure love for my family…I don’t want to die not in 3 years not in 10.

I loose weeks in this state, in a time I should be doing I’m loosing time caught in a thickness of foggy thoughts.

I’ve no interest in activities or people because I’m busy working out how I can get out this situation but I’m left exhausted as I can’t find a way.

I distance myself from the world, struggling to manage my own pain I couldn’t possibly take on any one else’s.

Realising I’m hitting the floor as mum and Rob attempt to pull me back up and into the world, I’m heavy I pull them down as well.

Attempting to reach out for friends wanting them to advise me what I should be doing, what I should be feeling how I should be coping but then reality hits again…they can’t because they’ve lost me on this horrid journey as well, and they too are struggling to reach me through the fog and to know what to do or what to say…

The world seems lonely, unsafe almost….you begin to question that although you know deep in your heart cancer doesn’t pick people…you still wonder why it’s landed in your life.

You question what’s the point of moving forward and doing when you know that your future isn’t the length you so want it to be….I know… I know none of us know when our time is up but there’s certainly something to be said when cancer dollops into your life and you know if nothing else gets you before than the cancers sitting smirking at you.

Even when you seek out support it’s difficult…even the most trained of people can’t take cancer away from your mind…they too know what a nightmare your living and so can only listen and agree with you that they also wish they could help you Unknow what you know about your future.

If you could unknow what you know when you have cancer it would release so much fear…dying of cancer when your living with it is a long painful road, before you take to your death bed it’s already eaten away at your life…it starts with taking your time by making you attend appointments, it then plays with your mind removes you from your family and friends…even when you get lost in a special moment or memory your soon brought back to the hurt of the loss before you’ve lost it…not growing old with your husband, seeing your son grow up helping your parents as they grow old seeing your brother marry and have children, aging alongside your friends…

It zaps your energy so even when your mind is having a good day your body can’t keep up.

It’s truly soul destroying.

If it were a person we’d lock it up and throw away the key……