Springing into another treatment

Well winter is nearing an end…, Thank goodness…that was a tough one!

7 chemotherapies with an end result of cancer progression truly sucked and something I’m still trying to get over.

I didn’t have tears when told the news the cancer had now appeared all the way down on my hip…we just got our green disability pass signed and headed off to Disney land…it was truly fantastic… my friends are truly awesome…. if it wasn’t for a few of them pulling together or setting themselves challenges we never could have dreamed of being able to go least if all taking my brother and mum with us!

We were free from disease well not really free but free from appointments..free from the new normal and into a magical world of big smiling funny characters and rides that energised your brains with blood as you spun around them.

We led our worries then picked them up on our route home.

Back to reality I started a new treatment only just recovering from the last ones side effects.

This one is called Navelbine, I have 140mg every single week after my bloods are said to be alright.

This is actually the 5th type of chemotherapy put into my body….it’s derived from the periwinkle plant so ohhhh very natural!

Who knew a pretty little plant could do sooooo much.

Actually I’m coping alright, think I’ve had some horrendous treatments that this so far appears the kindest.

I’m given high dose antisickness to take on the day, the day after and night after which is working well, first couple there was an initial rocking back and forth on all fours but thats calmed a lot, I’ve found high carb food is working in making me feel less sick.

However the stomach cramps and sudden urgency to find a toilet are pretty full on with this treatment.

I’m also finding although I’m not loosing my hair full on, it is definitely thinning.

So that’s treatment….in other news….the Hospice continue to be amazing to us, we are taking part in their making memories sessions, busy doing up a chair for the garden but as a joint activity both rob and I’m doing.

Feeling better mentally about treatment and cancer, a couple weeks ago I was thinking it may be time to stop it and seek only pain relief and live a life with out the side effects chemo brings the feelings for heading towards quality not quantity… it’s something we’ve been talking a lot about but I’ve decided after this next scan we will have another think and talk it through again…Chemotherapy is body destroying and certainly not an easy choice….nor is deciding to stop…. but I want stan to have more fun times with me and I don’t feel it’s happening while in weekly treatment.

I also feel I’m loosing who I am…. I can’t really work while on weekly treatment and in all honesty I was not ready to stop yet but I’ve had to as I just can’t cope with having to spend a day waiting around either for bloods etc then taking chemo which effects my body within two hours of taking it, getting side effects for 3 days then recovering from what those side effects have done to my body to then mastering up any energy which now needs to be used for Stanley and the rest of my family making memories …

Most 36 years old would be jumping for joy they are not at work….for me I crave it…the normality, the banter, the laughs till your tummy hurts some days…the learning ..

I miss my work colleagues…but I’ve learnt outside of work everyone has their own lives and that actually perhaps work friendships are only based around the work and nothing deeper like we are all led to believe as we enter the doors each day to earn a wage.

However saying the above I’m so saddened as it’s incredibly lonely most days.

Cancer truly sucks and is ruining my life literally, I want a day where I don’t feel so filled with sad emotions…where I don’t have to think I should feel lucky I’m still breathing….what’s that all about…a day I don’t have a dull aching pain in my bones.

I’ve been told I don’t show my anger enough and that I need to let it go and maybe start saying how I’m really feeling about things but I just can’t as I can’t see where it’ll get me… I hate anger it’s a wasted lot of energy, I hate nastiness it’s not necessary when the world is already so cruel.

I love smiles, laughter and kindness and my boys!