30 something Chemotherapyo

The great thing about social media is it has these flash back posts where you can see all the wonderful things you’ve experienced in the past… sadly mine seems to flash back 6 years ago… I almost died of deposit due to my pic line becoming infected.

3 years ago I was just coming to an end of 12 chemotherapies…

Today I sat feeling rather deflated and tired awaiting to have bloods taken from my spanking new port….pic below…

Its a nifty little device saving nurses time playing about with my forever hiding veins in my feet, they can access this far easier to take bloods at the moment, but in the future no doubt it’ll see my chemo go in.

I’ve been an anxious tearful mess today, early evening I took myself to bed as I wasn’t coping with my feelings very well about people and life…

There’s so much I want to get done yet I’m completed whacked right now,

We started to tidy the garage after the hospital today… didn’t seem to get very far… I found all Stanley’s baby cards so came inside and started to hole punch them and thread them so they now resemble a little book he can keep far easier.

Then we’ve had a game of master mind, I remember playing this game fir hours with my sister when I was younger while our parents did up the flat they had bought to rent out..

I’m sure I was a quicker thinker back then as I on,y managed 1 round before loosing interest…but we played a game… it was nice, no tv, just playing and listening to music!.I’m now in bed awaiting side effects that are creeping in slowly… nausea is the pig… I kinda wish I’d just throw up and be done but nope I get this sea sicky feeling which I hate.

In another few hours I’ll take up residency in the bathroom and spend the next couple of days feeling unsafe from being to far from a toilet!.

Tomorrow we are picking up our rocking chair from the hospice we have been doing up..we never finished it so maybe a good project for tomorrow once home.

Already feeling this week is a right off as I’ve no more to give to it.

Over and out!

Wanting to celebrate but feeling unable!

It’s an odd feeling wanting to feel happy and celebrate achievements… yet being in the thick of the forest in your Life…..

Friday I was invited after being nominated as an inspirational woman of Devon.. to Exeter Devon county hall.

The event was lush, no winner just a room full of brilliant woman who just want to empower others… I was a chosen one… felt pretty chuffed really… I always find awards closer to my home town the ones that I’m most proud if in all of setting up ChemoHero… because this is the area I do it for… I will never forget that lonely feeling I had after diagnosis and still today in my darkest days.

It was a great awards ceremony but again I’m struggling to share it…

I’m not really sure why… may be part of falling into a depressive state… it’s another added emotion I can’t place right now…. who knows.

I went with my mum and actually sat there listening to the speakers thinking just how brilliant a woman my mum is and how I’d not be who I am with out her by my side..

She helps me keep my shit together yet the one person I tend to loose my shit with..crazy really… guess that’s what you call love!

We had a lovely lunch after and shopping trip but I was utterly exhausted after two hours… I came home feeling incredibly tired and sleeping all night.I’m desperate now to get a scan under my belt, find out where I am in treatment… is it working?

Everyone is saying how well I look, if only they could see the semi empty bottle of concealer!

Inside I’m feeling rather empty in more ways than one… I’m feeling I need a good recharge and if I didn’t feel so daunted about being to far from home I’d go book a holiday! Oh and if the bank balance allowed! Ha ha!

Keep looking back at Disney photos to get a fix….I think it was the last time I felt truly happy….. guess that was the idea of that trip!

this photo has no relevance to anything right now, just perhaps to show how all over the place I am right now! .

Chemo Monday tomorrow.

Life is blinking hard…

So I’m finding things hard….

I’m evaluating naturally all areas of my life and want my blog to begin to get more honest on how ever you want to look at it…living with /dying of cancer is…

I’m struggling right now…please do not feel an instant need to help me, however lovely that is ofyou, I sadly can not be helped with my problems…I’m in the thick of them and can only hope in time I feel better…..

So problem…

I have metastatic cancer…I’m on chemotherapy for as long as I can no longer be…it’s hard feeling like your under parr in every minute of your day…craving BC… Before Cancer.

The repercussions of having cancer

  1. I won’t see my pride my joy my love of my life my reason for life Stanley grow up…it’s no secret I’ve struggled forming a normal mother son bond with him…I feel I’m cheating him every single day by having cancer and have spent since being diagnosed holding him away to attempt to save him the hurt when we have to say good bye…

2 my husband, Rob, every day I wonder why he sticks beside me.. I often believe he deserves better, A life…this is no life living cancer.

3 my family my mum my dad my brother this is heart wrenching as they too live this life with us.

4 robs family, preparing to pick rob up when the time comes…a daughter a daughter for life, a sons a son till he meets a wife… I’m not going to be here for his life…

6 my friends… I’ve a very close 3 bestest friends long term ones as well, we don’t live in each other’s pockets but they are my trusted forever friends who I love dearly…I’d do anything for them if I could and them for me, however our common factors…we are all incredibly independent.

7 work life…. I loved my job and this disease has stolen it from me….

My heads in complete denial that I’m not well enough to work but my body is screwed and I currently can not see how or if I’m capable of returning.

I’ve recently been given some early Ill health retirement information…hilariously sad to be honest but I know perhaps it’s time…

My condition in changing and I’m getting scared… my cancer spread, my chemotherapy quickly changed, we now await for further appointments of scans and up dates on how this one is going….do I think it’s working for me…no I don’t… or is this just because the last didn’t and I’m still recovering from that depressive blow.

I’ve developed an incredibly annoying cough which I’m worried about and naturally rob is panicking about… I keep going into little breathless moments then mini coughs into a full on on choking session.

The other night I woke up and I couldn’t feel the top part of my foot… incredibly scary..I’ve not had this before…it was numb like I’d been laid on it for hours so I git up, walked about and then had a bath at 2am in the morning… 2 days later I still can’t feel it.

Yet again my care from our chemo unit was wonderful… they immediately tested for neurological issues but I passed ok, so they now want to MRI my body and look at where the cancer is on my Ilium and check my spine…. rob joked saying it won’t be long until I’m in a wheel chair… it’d be funny if I didn’t feel this could be the case.

Talking of chairs, today we had our time at the hospice in a second session of making memories… we bought a rocking chair… we are painting it together for the garden…..and a little like my life it’s not going to plan.

We wanted it sage green and yellow but it didn’t look how we wanted so we’ve repainted…I’m unsure what to do now….. sound familiar.

Let the psychologists in you read into this piece of furniture… a lonely old rocking chair I can sit In and rock back wards and forwards in and get away with it without being admitted to hospital! X

When we started our hospice visits I was always worried about those who fell a sleep during sessions which may I add is totally ok and accepted at this beautiful sanctuary we are so lucky to have in North Devon.

They say it should be 1 place we can get out to visit what ever we feel….

But yes going back to those who sleep, during a session today this was me… I was continually offered a big comfy chair which I refused as this was like accepting I was ill…. yet there I was head on the table only waking when my body did an involuntary twitch….

I’m ├╝ber scared…what’s happening to me…..this is not me… I’m the young lady who lays with one eye open so not to miss anything….

One chuckle this week… I entered the NDDH pharmacy and won a pack of steroids… told the pharmacist they really need to get better prizes!