Wanting to celebrate but feeling unable!

It’s an odd feeling wanting to feel happy and celebrate achievements… yet being in the thick of the forest in your Life…..

Friday I was invited after being nominated as an inspirational woman of Devon.. to Exeter Devon county hall.

The event was lush, no winner just a room full of brilliant woman who just want to empower others… I was a chosen one… felt pretty chuffed really… I always find awards closer to my home town the ones that I’m most proud if in all of setting up ChemoHero… because this is the area I do it for… I will never forget that lonely feeling I had after diagnosis and still today in my darkest days.

It was a great awards ceremony but again I’m struggling to share it…

I’m not really sure why… may be part of falling into a depressive state… it’s another added emotion I can’t place right now…. who knows.

I went with my mum and actually sat there listening to the speakers thinking just how brilliant a woman my mum is and how I’d not be who I am with out her by my side..

She helps me keep my shit together yet the one person I tend to loose my shit with..crazy really… guess that’s what you call love!

We had a lovely lunch after and shopping trip but I was utterly exhausted after two hours… I came home feeling incredibly tired and sleeping all night.I’m desperate now to get a scan under my belt, find out where I am in treatment… is it working?

Everyone is saying how well I look, if only they could see the semi empty bottle of concealer!

Inside I’m feeling rather empty in more ways than one… I’m feeling I need a good recharge and if I didn’t feel so daunted about being to far from home I’d go book a holiday! Oh and if the bank balance allowed! Ha ha!

Keep looking back at Disney photos to get a fix….I think it was the last time I felt truly happy….. guess that was the idea of that trip!

this photo has no relevance to anything right now, just perhaps to show how all over the place I am right now! .

Chemo Monday tomorrow.

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