Here again

I knew it’d only be a short break from chemotherapy…it was my choice to have a summer rest never the fact that we had the cancer under control…that never happened sadly.

Having done from October last year to April on fortnightly treatment my body was exhausted and I made the decision to rest.

I’ve had 4 months off and have gained some normality, although it was never far from my thoughts about what was going on inside if me.

For the past year I’ve not had 1 scan where my cancer hasn’t shown progression…I’m now at a point that if I don’t go back on treatment my oncologist can’t be sure what state my body will be in within the next 4 months so treatment it is….starting tomorrow.

This will be my 5th type of Chemotherapy…think I’d be fully used to it by now but I’m seriously not!

I’m very frightened about what side effects are going to happen and how I’m going to cope with everything alongside the side effects.

This will be the third type of IV chemo I’ve had as the last two were tablet form.

It won’t take long to administer which is a bonus but there’s something different about being in charge of swallowing a pill to being pumped full of toxins…maybe it’s about control.

The drug I’m going on is called Eribulin, it’s not been approved for that long in the uk from what I’ve read, and not many of 8the nurses seemed familiar with it..I guess like rob said, it’s my 5th line treatment…many people don’t get to this stage so in all my self pity I should feel lucky as well!

The side effects from what I’ve read are the norm or sickness, diahorrea, constipation, oh and hair loss!

I’m guessing I’m still in a denial as I’ve not bought any new hats or anything which I’m thinking I should have really as the mop will start to fall by the two week mark!.

I can’t explain how it feels to be going into such a debilitating treatment….I feel like I need to be doing a ritual house clean…last relaxing bath….last meal where I can taste the food!

Instead I’ve just wanted to start to with draw from the world and hibernate amongst my things!

When I tried tablet chemo, I wasn’t particularly in a great place, I had a friend over stepping the mark in my life generally and I was still attempting to think in my head I was going to be returning to work.

I was absolutely wiped out from the cancer and generally just not coping very well.

In my time off from treatment I’ve changed a few problem areas and I’m hoping it’ll give me the strength and mind set to manage it better.

I also feel more confident about the drug I am being put on, I hope these feelings proves me right and it slows the cancer.

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