Weird and wonderful and wasted life of cancer…

Wow what a whirlwind of a couple of months I’ve had….those that know me better will know me and that I am Me and Chemohero is a ChemoHero….many. Any think we are the same like I am it or it is me….but I’ve tried so hard to keep us separate….it’s like a barrier I can put in front of my own crapness, something the people see but only see behind it where I am stood.

So your understand that with Pride of Britain, I got found and brought in front of the charity…which actually has been really nice….to see and hear what everyone thinks of it and the positive effects it’s had on those going through treatment.

Everything and more that I wanted when I had the idea.

We were treated to a trip to London and mixed among the stars but I really had a moment of realisation about the entire charity….I won as a regional winner for the south west of the west country and this is totally the people I do it for….I tired so easily at the awards much quicker than I thought I would sadly but as soon as a presenter said to me lisa people from your home town want to hear how you’ve enjoyed your evening….it filled me with energy and bounced up and talked and talked!,

Obviously after a mega high comes a low….it’s only natural but my low was because I was hurting….I’ve been really good recently learning a new slow of taking things easier…and POB took me way over that….not helping that the day after I got home I was straight in for chemotherapy!

The last week has been a struggle within my body….it’s like I can feel it go down a notch…I’m beginning to worry a little about what my scab in two weeks may show and if this chemo is positively acting on those naughty cells.

I’ve also had a real bump with recognising my own mortality, I sadly lost a cancer buddy last week….someone who I felt proper close to in regards to what I could share and the fact she had young children as well.

Although I’ve been told of how she looked to me for guidance I’m unsure she’ll ever realise what confidence she brought me by her constant praise and kind words….

I’m truly truly gutted that she didn’t get more time….I’d hoped we’d have been able to support each other more.

This has really frightened me as it all happened so so quickly, I know we area all different but it’s true this thing as well that’s spoken of in the cancer works…survivors guilt….I feel I’ve had this disease for 7 years now…..had so much support and time to come to terms with what my future holds….she didn’t….

It’s so bloody cruel and difficult all of it.

So in the circle of grieving I’m in disbelief and boarder line very very angry….in amongst realising life can change and I’ve got to try bloody go all out with doing what I want!

Right now I feel like I could go completely Barny around people fretting the small stuff….so I’m in hibernation again until I can safely go out and not be rude to someone!