In hiding….

Recently I’ve heard more and more people ask me how I am as I’ve suddenly stopped sharing on social media…I go to and become frightened…just as I will during this post and although your read it as one blog it’ll have taken me days as my brain shuts down….I’m safely jumping in and out of denial…yes 7 years on I’ve taken up being in denial and tricking myself I’ll be ok.

Obviously I’m not…I’ve got stage 4 cancer that as yet we’ve not got control of.

I’m struggling to put into words that at my last appointment I was told that the treatment I’m on in the last they can offer me in my local hospital…which was hard to hear as I’ve said since our last jaunt up to London that I’m not travelling to do trials…and it now looks like we are reaching that point….the point I use my time to solely make memories with and for my son Stanley my world.

Since finding out this news I also stopped seeing my counsellor, my home visits from my Dr and my hospice nurse as much, I can’t really say why it’s kinda just happened…do I no longer need the support…no not at all in fact the opposite but I’m frightened of where my emotions will go should I now see them to talk it all through.

I’ll be scanned in 2 weeks and then that’s it…I’ll know….I’ll know if I’m really reaching the end of the road…

If the treatment hasn’t worked then I’ve a chunk of time apparently… not sure what this chunk is but sounds like I’ll be able to fill it in with stuff.

If it’s worked then we continue as we are for a further 12 weeks of daily meds and monthly injections…then I’ve got a predicted 1 to 2 years which is incredible isn’t it…..1 to 2 years wow when did that become such an awesome amount of time?

So in all this I’m head down and sucking up the side effects not telling any one really how I’m feeling…infact most have stopped asking making me realise either everyone’s joined me in denial or they are not actually to bothered about my situation…easier not to know.

This is Chewie….Chewie cares…she hides under the cushions with me every day!