Ran out of wishes

Ever think you wish for a lot…..8 years a go I started making mega big wishes….ones that every one else takes for granted….I wished to see next year and each time I got to that year I’d wish to see the next!

Each has been possible due to treatments I’ve had but I think I may have ran out of BIG wishes and need to start wishing smaller…

Sadly I have exhausted all the treatment I can have in my local hospital and my cancer has progressed….its progressed on my bones and that would be ok as thats very manageable….I’m still classed as lucky that the speckles on my lungs are stable and its on no other major organs but without a treatment to get control of what’s going on in my bones it will be a waiting game, so I’ve been referred to The Royal Marsden in London for a second a opinion…one that I’m not holding out much hope on as I have had so many treatments over the past 7 years that many of the drugs are the sister drugs of what I’ve already tried, so my oncologist hopes there will be a trial I fit the criteria for….and this is where I become mega stuck with my emotions and where I am in life.

Trials involve travelling up to London or a hospital a little further than my own…there’s potential it could happen in my own but trials are to poven …you are part of the research statistic.

I’m so incredibly tired of feeling crap and I’m unsure I want any more of the time feeling so poorly that I cant par take in activities with Stanley…which is who this all boils down to now…him..his memories of his mummy! .

Ive never felt angry about my situation before…I’ve just taken that I got cancer and ran with it ……but I’m feeling such a mix of emotions right now…so angry that its invaded my body….I cant make any sense of it.

I’m also in quite a lot of pain at the moment which is also a constant reminder that its inside me doing its thing to my bones.

I feel cross I cant get my hands on it…I feel cross I cant even have a drug infiltrate me to try show it I’m the boss of my body so it can do one….then I remember that its not a person but a disease and I need to get a grip and the best way I can do that is by getting on which I do manage daily but it’s there’s this horrible bomb of anger that concerns me!

So I’m currently on the route of pain management….I find it hard as the old me used to frown at a paracetamol and sit with my legs up in the air to try and combat the likes of period pains…yes that up until cancer was the only pain I really knew..apart from when I gave birth to Stanley…that hurt but was a good exciting hurt!.

I’m struggling with the pain so much that during he night when its at its worst my body is very stressed causing the most horrendous hot flushing… it wakes me up and i cant settle again. Ive just completed a couple rounds of radiotherapy over the past week…they blasted my mid back and my sacrum and then yesterday they did my pelvis…..I’m hoping its going to sort the pain issues out…they had to do a few areas as all areas i have said hurt have cancer on them and could all be the culprit for the deferred pain causing me problems when I walk.

Night time hot flushes!

I’m now very sore as it aggregates the area before itll start to get better. Today for the first time ever I gave in and I’ve rested all day remains in my PJs ……going to test if rest really is best…I’ve literally been in and out of sleep allllllll day….wide awake now tho at stupid O clock!. I’m trying to Tain my brain to automatically think to its self when ever I have a bad thought that this time will pass…the pain wont last forever and in the gaps where im good im going to do lots of fun stuff!

Right im ending this one here as im going on and have other things i want to blog!

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